When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize