life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
