You just made me feel so damn special
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize