I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
