i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
