If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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