How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
