You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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