I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
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