Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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