I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
