I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
