It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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