i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
