i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
