Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I can tuck mytits in my pants
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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