My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Randomize
