I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
