Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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