my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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