john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
