what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
