I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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