she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
