either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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