My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
