Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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