am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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