Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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