There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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