Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
