so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
