did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
wrigley field is MILF paradise
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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