i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
