apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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