First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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