dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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