is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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