I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
not ubering you a puppy
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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