i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
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