Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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