He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
