Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We had sex on a dog bed..
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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