I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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