ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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