he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
