that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
