she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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