Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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