I'm going to jail i love you
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
