my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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