I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
