porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
