I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
