The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
