If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
