I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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